Living "Will"

Originally written: August 14, 2013

Seeing my mom post thoracotomy...upon entering the ICU room following her surgery, amongst the maze of tubes and needles, she was there watching the door like a hawk as if she knew I was coming.  I was her last visitor for the evening. 

As I stroked her soft silver hair, and rubbed her forehead she told me to keep talking.  Muffled, by her oxygen mask she managed, "The wheezing is like a conversation that is telling me to keep going."  As she winced with each measure of pain, her soft eyes watered and searched for steadiness.

After clarifying my role as her daughter, the night nurse asked me if I could answer questions for mom, since she was unable to fully communicate.  Her first question, granted it standard: does my mom have a living will or power of attorney.  This line of questions combined with mom's appearance really hit to my core.  Despite enduring what her surgeon said was a "long day for everyone" I realized my mom could slip away from complications still.

It is such a harrowing experience to be opposite your parent, as they lay helpless and in pain.  Rest now Momma, you are fighting the sleep your body craves and I know you're afraid that you might "give up" if you fall asleep.

And for the second time since learning of the "C" I quietly wept to myself, in the darkness of our hotel room as my children slept soundly near by.  Earlier in the day, they had entertained (or create havoc depending on who you ask) the very somber waiting room full of  loved ones awaiting post surgery updates.  Kiddos, oblivious to the extent of our hospital visit - all that you need to know is that Grandma is not giving up! 

The "C" word: call, cancer, cry, cold

Tonight, My son, Anderson, saw me cry for the very first time. He was doing the usual post bedtime visit claiming of thirst, starvation or solving the ways of the world in twenty questions. I, was nursing Sebastian with just my right side, the only one he is keeping stocked with breast milk when my phone buzzed "mom calling." I answered, it was half-past nine and I'd knew she would have the results she had been waiting for from the doctor.  She sounded upbeat, a wave of relief went through me, thinking I knew it couldn't be (with that invincibility attitude) but then she gave it to me straight. Her voice steady: "I have cancer."  What followed was her rattling off the next steps and procedures--her voice matter of fact, strong -- the woman who just had a kick to the gut, lung more appropriately, not giving in to her internal war. I knew she was staying strong for me, so I tried to return in kind. But as soon as I opened my mouth my voice cracked as the news sunk-in, and my dear mother heard the waiver in my voice...and we both caved. Shattered. 

Anderson, who had since went to look out the window immediately took notice..."Mummy, wait. Are you crying? Why are you crying?" I explained that "Mimi is sick. And we have to ask God to help us." But then I recanted not wanting him to be mad with God, if things didn't go in his favor.  We have to pray with God, Anderson, that Mimi 

will put up a fight and win over this illness." Just like my own mother, I quickly pulled myself together wanting to remain strong for him, and not causing him worry. I reassured him that Mimi would be okay, and he said: "Yes, mummy but THIS is sad --Mimi has a cold."  

Originally written - June 11, 2013

2010: A year and a decade in review...

A new year, a new decade births retrospection.  Ten years ago, I was a few years out of college – landing an executive position that moved me back to my hometown, and had me canvassing a district that I was to revitalize: the inner-city of Cleveland, Ohio.  What inspired me then, whether it driving through the housing projects or meeting with c-level executives, was forthcoming in its lessons and preparation of the professional years that followed. That was then and this is now…with a new profound love that only a parent could feel, I have gratefully chosen to be a stay-at-home mother for the time-being.  In both student and teacher mindset, I watch our nineteen month old son transform into the bustling, independent, intelligent, beautiful toddler that he is.  With energized hope we are truly blessed to welcome a new daughter in March of 2010!  

It was just under ten years ago, that I met my husband and inconceivably two little girls who would become my step-daughters - one diapered and the other still bed-wetting at the time. If someone would’ve told me that an instant family, with a little girl referring to me as: “My-Sasha” appointed my fate, I’m not certain I would’ve believed. Today those little girls are sassy, willful, smart, beautiful adolescents. That was then and this is now…with a few more wrinkles and a lot more greys (okay just me), last October - Andrew and I celebrated five years of marriage: a comprehensive union of challenge, collaboration, understanding, patience and above all else love.

 

Returning for an advanced degree was always a goal, but never realistic given the timing. After three years, and taking a short labored breather (to give birth to my son – ha), I achieved that desire of earning my MBA in August of 2009.  The date of graduation was the also the date our flight left for Paris, France…a commencement of all kinds.  With a passion for travel ourselves, Andrew and I have vowed to instill cultural influences in our children, as much as we are able to.  Seeing the romances of Paris was quite a bit different this time around with three kids in tow; but a trip that they’ll surely appreciate in years to come.  Spending extended time with Andrew’s sister and her family in Wambrechies, France was fantastic.  Taking the kids to the Belgian coast also gave them the chance to compare the North Sea to the other bodies of water they have experienced: Atlantic Ocean, Gulf of Mexico and not to forget the mighty Lake Erie!

  

With much anticipation, I look forward to 2010 and the continued growth and happiness that life has to offer.  I am forever thankful for the lessons and blessings that have shaped who I am, and my family to date.  Thank you and I love you - Andrew, Lauren, Mackenzie, Anderson and Baby Elliot.

Sasha xo

Originally written: January 3, 2010

 

 

Our little Lady

Originally written: March 19, 2013

Wishing our beautiful little Alex a very Happy third birthday. Like the first day before spring, your arrival fast and determined yet followed by beauty, content and peace. Peace, of course until you arrived home and understood the dynamics of the Elliot house...A slight protest of being the last of the litter (little did we know what was to come) ensued, to which you have always rose to the challenge. Our strong (being an understatement) willed intelligent little lady, you teach us all every day. As you continue to demonstrate your quick entrance to this world by running never walking anywhere. Our love for you - steadfast. xo

Turning five

Originally written: May 1, 2013
Anderson-You're five! I love to watch your mind unfold through your actions - creating your latest invention. Whether it be a perfectly logical double fish net in the bathtub or a Lego car that can turn into a jet. You read, ferociously-nonfiction being your favorite. You tie your own shoes. You received a nod to first grade, but will begin in a specialized kindergarten class in the fall. You're a great conversationalist, with topics ranging from the English Premiere League (soccer for the non-footballers) to metamorphous. But most of all - you're a good, strong and kind boy. We are better because of you. Love was redefined upon your birth. Happy birthday, Andermonkey!

My little caboose

Originally written: June 2013
At eighteen months...you're such a happy, busy little guy. Content, curious and definitely inspired by your two older siblings when you climb up on the big chairs and position yourself, beaming with pride. Prideful you are, when you attempt to ride your sister's scooter or your brother's bike. You voice your opinion when something isn't fair, and it usually isn't when one of those inspirations take something from you. Yet you tag along, little caboose, whether it sprinting with Alex and Anderson through the house after the dog or making sand pies in the sandbox. You've taken to "zooming" the cars around the floor, dancing when music comes on and drawing with crayons - until of course you use them as teethers. For the longest time your gummy grin, was freckled with just two teeth. Now, your mouth has a party of teeth cutting through--this too shall pass. You definitely play the baby card, when you fling yourself at me or try to push your siblings out of my lap when we read books. We are working on sharing mummy. : ) I love to hear your chattering. You latch on to the last word spoken in a sentence and repeat it-using your hands as you speak of these very important matters. We all love you completely, baby Seb. xo