Living "Will"

Originally written: August 14, 2013

Seeing my mom post thoracotomy...upon entering the ICU room following her surgery, amongst the maze of tubes and needles, she was there watching the door like a hawk as if she knew I was coming.  I was her last visitor for the evening. 

As I stroked her soft silver hair, and rubbed her forehead she told me to keep talking.  Muffled, by her oxygen mask she managed, "The wheezing is like a conversation that is telling me to keep going."  As she winced with each measure of pain, her soft eyes watered and searched for steadiness.

After clarifying my role as her daughter, the night nurse asked me if I could answer questions for mom, since she was unable to fully communicate.  Her first question, granted it standard: does my mom have a living will or power of attorney.  This line of questions combined with mom's appearance really hit to my core.  Despite enduring what her surgeon said was a "long day for everyone" I realized my mom could slip away from complications still.

It is such a harrowing experience to be opposite your parent, as they lay helpless and in pain.  Rest now Momma, you are fighting the sleep your body craves and I know you're afraid that you might "give up" if you fall asleep.

And for the second time since learning of the "C" I quietly wept to myself, in the darkness of our hotel room as my children slept soundly near by.  Earlier in the day, they had entertained (or create havoc depending on who you ask) the very somber waiting room full of  loved ones awaiting post surgery updates.  Kiddos, oblivious to the extent of our hospital visit - all that you need to know is that Grandma is not giving up!